Day 5

I really wish I could say that today was wildly productive and that once having overcome my initial impediments I was off and running. But apparently, it doesn’t work that way, as if I didn’t know. Today the drawings look like elaborate prisons. Or rather, illusory prisons since they appear stilted, almost like stage sets rather than studies from life. There is something in that one on the left that is both appealing and horrifying.

TIME OUT:
I know I sound like a whining baby, never satisfied and always grumpy and critical of everything I produce. So it is essential to remind everyone, right now, that I am perfectly aware that this process is the only way anything is ever made well. This gift of time is one that I am so deeply grateful to have IN ORDER to experience this process. In other words, I am not looking for a place of complacent acceptance of my hallowed marks, but rather am taking advantage of this time to gratefully own the discomfort of growing as an artist, which by its very nature involves self-evaluation and frustration.
This should in no way be mistaken for a lack of pleasure. Au contraire, I am in heaven every minute I am working. It is simply that this is how I perceive the crosscurrents of my progress, knowing perfectly well that it is progress, even when it feels static or regressive.

Tomorrow I go to Washington to see the Philip Guston show and to the Freer to see Japanese and Chinese brush drawings. I am hoping that they will be the eyewash I need to use the next two sessions triumphantly.